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March 14, 2011

Your Bedroom, it's not just for sleeping in......

I've posted a few times on the Master Bedroom in the past two weeks, you can find those posts here and here.

I thought about not blogging on this subject but it's something I feel pretty passionate (wink, wink) about so I'm going to do it and hope you all don't stop reading my blog. Or maybe it will become widely popular at least with men!  Ha!

Sex is a hard topic to blog about because there are so many different aspects that are involved in it. I am going to be blogging today specifically about married sex and more specifically for women who are struggling in this area. They just find it one more thing to add to their list of things to do, they are exhausted and tired of people hanging on them all day. Maybe the husband isn't meeting their need so they don't want to meet his. So many factors go into this I thought I'd just touch on a few things we can do to help get us in the mood!

Remember back when you first dated your spouse, how his touch sent tingles through your body? How you couldn't wait to hold hands, for him to hug and kiss you? You wanted to be with him all the time?

Fast forward a few years, you are married, you have jobs, children, responsibilities, bills and a home. You stop looking forward to kissing your husband and sometimes maybe you are more annoyed by it than anything. You are tired, you have had kids touching and hanging on you all day, the last thing you want is for your husband to do the same thing.
Why do we do this ladies? Maybe not all of you do but I know that a lot of women feel this way. They stop looking forward to those intimate times with their mate and start to dread them. The "Not tonight honey, I have a headache" joke isn't really a joke, is it?

Yet we still want our husband's to only have eyes for us, to help us with housework, the kids, bring us flowers and romance us.  
So what's a girl to do? How do we ignite that passion again? After talking with some friends, my husband and reading a few good articles, here are some tips that might just help heat things up in your bedroom!

First we need to understand our husband's need for sex is a need and that's his way of connecting with his wife.  It's just like a woman's need for talking and sharing to connect with her husband.  The ironic thing is that most women don't want to be intimate until they've talked and connected while the man doesn't want to talk and share until they've had sex.  Here is a great article on this if you want to read more.  So maybe instead of expecting him to talk and connect with you and then you'll think about his needs, switch it up and let his needs be met first and you can talk and snuggle afterwards!

Secondly,we need to remember that men are visual and they like to look at our naked bodies!  Crazy, I know! We need to realize that most men don't care that we don't look like a supermodel, that we have stretch marks and love handles. We too often let our own issues with our body get in the way.  Girls, it's time to pull out that lingerie, wear it, your husband will love it, he's not going to be looking at your stretchmarks or love handles, trust me and while you're at it, maybe even leave the light on! He married you, he loves you and than includes your body!!!

Thirdly, how do you feel when you wear sweatpants or pajamas all day and don't do your hair or makeup or even take a shower? At least for me, I feel kind of blah, unattractive and definitely not sexy.

When we get dressed, do our hair and makeup and maybe even put on some earrings, don't we feel good?  I'm not saying you need to dress to the nines everyday but lets dress to feel good about ourselves. Don't save your good outfits for just a night out on the town or for church on Sunday, wear what makes you feel good. When we do this we feel more confident,sexy and attractive and that helps our mindset about ourselves. Not that wearing pajamas or sweats once in a while is a bad thing, we all have those kind of days and there's nothing wrong with that!

Fourth, how often do you think, "Oh I really don't want to do this tonight."  But then you start and when you're done you think to yourself, "Wow! That was great! I'm glad I didn't say no. " We need to remember that!  Say yes more often, trust me, you'll be glad you did!  So maybe tonight you could even initiate and really throw him for a loop!!!

It seems the longer we go without having sex with our husband, the longer we're ok letting it go.  But when we start to enjoy each other more often, the desire seems to grow as well!  So shoot for 2 to 3 times a week instead of 3 times a month and see what happens!  Maybe even put it on your calendar!

Here are a few more ideas:
Weekly date nights.  You don't have to leave the house to have a date.  Turn off the tv, put away the computer, stop cleaning and play a game together, dance in the living room, watch a movie, read your old love letters/cards or notes from when you were first dating, read a book together, talk, cuddle or eat a candlelight dinner after the kids are in bed.

Flirt with your spouse again!  Slip a little love note in his lunch, briefcase or jacket.  Send him a text message, email or call him at work if you can.

When he leaves for work and you kiss, give him a kiss!  Not a little peck on the cheek or lips but a kiss that you used to give back when you were dating and hated to say goodbye for any amount of time.

Our minds are very powerful, if you sit and think about all the things your husband does that annoy you or how he didn't put his socks in the dirty laundry, you will not have good feelings towards him and being intimate with him will be the furthest thing from your mind.  Think instead of all he does do for you and what made you fall in love with him in the first place. We need to remember that we can be annoying and irritating as well,  we aren't perfect either!  Darn, that was hard to type, barely finished that last sentence. 

Here are some great books and other resources if you need help in this area!

Is There Really Sex After Kids? by Jill Savage
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by Kevin Leman

Igniting Passion in Your Marriage

I'd love to hear your thoughts and suggestions on this topic as well!  Maybe you have some more great ideas to add to this, comment below!



  1. Way to go Ange! I came over here thinking this was going to be about decorating a master bedroom and just so agree...what's the point of that pretty bed with all of the pillows if it isn't being...ahem...used for more than sleeping? And here is another thing I have discovered. God cares about my sex life! Crazy, I know! But by praying for that desire for my spouse, I am honoring the fact that this part of our marriage was intended to be a way to feel close and connected and to keep our marriage strong. Anyway, I'm just so thrilled that you are using your blog to share from your heart something you feel "passionately" (couldn't resist..heehee) about!
    Blessings to you,

  2. Mark and I are currently reading, "Turn Up The Heat" by Dr. Leman. We also have "Sheet Music" waiting when we are done with this one. I like books but they aren't the answer to an unhealthy sex life. You can read all the books that you want but if your heart attitude towards sex is negative...the words will go in and come right back out. I think it has a LOT to do with a woman's selfish attitude. We want everything to be about US! That's so harmful to a marriage. There is no room in a healthy marriage for a selfish person. A healthy marriage takes DAILY work. You don't just end up with a great marriage and a great sex life. You put energy and love into it each day...hour...and minute.

    We are all human and we are all sinners. People make mistakes and they WILL let us down. If you are looking for your spouse to make you happy and to fulfill all your needs...you're going to be disappointed. Only God can do that for you. Your spouse is only "icing on the cake"! And what yummy "icing" that can be! :)

    On a more...simple and fun note...I do like Victoria's Secret. :) My hot pink, push-up bra...is amazing. Mark even thinks so! Surprise, surprise! Although, Mark also ALWAYS tells me that I would look good a brown, paper bag too. So, our sex life isn't based on what color of underwear I am wearing but it does help me with having the confidence and fun to take it all off that evening. :) It's taken a little while but FUN colors now dominate my underwear draw. Is that TMI, Ange? :)

    So, work at those marriages because it can be a piece of Heaven...here on earth.

    (Oh and I really think that Christians have some pretty boring sex lives. I am not sure if we are afraid to have fun but...God created sex for a husband and wife...and we should enjoy it! Now, that is only my opinion. I just happen to be a pastor's wife...and I think sex is wonderful!)

    Oh, and we also leave "SHMILY" around the house and we have since the day we were married. If you don't know what that is...you'll have to look it up. -Jenny

  3. Great post, even though my husband and I have only been married for 5 years since we have a toddler and both work full time we have little time for eachother. Thanks for the post- I'm inspired to reignite the fire! ;)

  4. Thanks for being brave and writing on this subject. I didn't want to be the only one :-)

  5. This is one of the bravest, most real and transparent posts I've seen in a long, long time. Bama Boy and I have been married for almost 20 years and this is an issue we've really had to work through in our marriage. I am guilty of pushing our sex life WAY down the "to do" list. Christian women need to talk about this often and loudly! We need to know it's an issue we all struggle with and encourage each other to find the beauty, joy and yes...passion and pleasure in having a wonderful sex life with the husband God gave us! God is the author of sex. His heart rejoices when we as married couples enjoy this beautiful gift he has given us!

    Thank you for being real Ange! I will be sharing this with many of my friends.



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